First off, let me just go on the record as having said that Aerosmith is a pretty cool band.
I didn’t find their entire catalog to be mind-blowing like so many fans of the band, but albums like “The Big Ones”, and “Nine Lives”, were absolutely stuffed to the gills with straightforward, big-haired, American Rock.
Despite their commercial success, they managed to maintain a pretty solid level of cred amongst their more devoted fans for many, many years.
All that changed in 1994, with the release of Revolution X.
While the arcade version was mildly playable (seeing as how it was made by Midway, and based on their “Terminator 2: Judgment Day” game model), the same absolutely cannot be said for the home version.
Ladies and Gentlemen, here it is, the Dead End Review of Revolution X, for the Super Nintendo Entertainment System!
Where do I even begin?
How about the story? I use the term “story” loosely, of course, but it goes something like this:
It takes place in the dystopian future of… 1996.
A massive coalition of evil forces, led by the cruel and unforgiving Head Mistress Helga have conspired to form the “New Order Nation” (NON), a totalitarian regime, whose first order of business is to declare war on…
Everybody on the planet under the age of 30.
Right, whatever.
-_-
Fortunately for the youth of the world, “America’s Greatest Rock-And-Roll Band” is there to pull everyone together for what is sure to be one bloody mess of a revolution.
At least, it will be for YOU!
I’m not kidding. You seem to be the only person on Earth who is really taking this “revolution” thing seriously, besides the bad guys that is.
In fact, they are taking it as seriously as one takes a heart attack, dispatching a seemingly-endless horde of storm-troopers in yellow tracksuits to destroy you.
Luckily for you, the Evil Empire has one, gigantic weakness: Compact Discs.
Yes, you read that correctly, CD’s…
Just like the ones your favorite Yanni albums are printed on!
*high five*
No?
Moving on...
Level 1 takes the player to Los Angeles to see “The Bad Boys from Boston”, at what was probably the most miserable example of how a concert venue can look like in a video game, since “Virtual VCR: The Color of Modern Rock,” the creatively-titled “Club X.”
Upon arrival, you are greeted by some of the most ridiculous voice acting that has ever been recorded, in the form of a disembodied narrator who declares “the Revolution has started,” and that “Generation X is now in effect.” Whole-heartedly inspiring words from what sounds suspiciously like Chuck D from Public Enemy.
So, the enemy shows up, bringing a whole bunch of air support with ‘em, and here is where you get to experience that which sucks most about Revolution X:
Unbearably atrocious graphics, and mind-splittingly repetitive game-play.
The same boring enemies repeat the same boring motions, over and over again, until you can actually feel the game erasing your memories with its pure worthlessness.
Your eyes become strained by the horrifically color schemes of the many awful stages, and grabbing some Clear Eyes from the medicine cabinet begins to seem like a better and better idea.
Throw in the occasional cut-scene featuring 5 masses of pixilated junk that sort of resemble the members of Aerosmith, and you’ve got all the ingredients for one of the worst Arcade ports to ever make the trek into console territory.
The “story” never really progresses beyond what is seen at the very beginning, which even then didn’t really explain much. You blow up lots of generic guys, until you either beat the game (my condolences), or decide that throwing your SNES out the window is the only logical way to stop all the madness.
I recommend you play this game, if only to experience just how truly awful it is.
Thanks for checking out my first “Dead End Review,” where I report on the plethora of bad games that have been released over the years. Many more to come, so keep reading, friends!